why do i even try anymore?

it all comes off wrong

the plunked-down phoniness,

my wolfly jokes are out of nervousness, not humor

i smile with my teeth but it's lies.

i hate who i am around you.

this isn't love or like or anything it's

closer to hate or want or just

whatever was good back then-- corrupted.

addiction?

you can see it in my eyes, i feel it there

too much intensity, too much everything,

they're leaking now, just thoughts, half-formed,

because

everyone's face reflects a studied, perfect

calm and indifference.

and i wish i could say they were performing but

how do i know?

my mask is chipped in a thousand places, held on by willpower and the good days--

because

all i really want to say is

when are things going to go back to how they used to be?

No--

all i really want to say is

i am counting down the days

please get out of my life.

Only you already have, and you'd have to

switch schools to ignore me harder

than you do.

No

that's not fair either.....

things get better, then they get worse, and all the while

i self-consciously stamp out any natural instinct

and smile as i self-destruct.

Is it thirty nine days now? Less?

i'll peel them off like sunburned skin.

only now there's nothing else

to hold me up.

i poured it out to you,

do you remember? but time

changed everything, until

the contents of those conversations were toxic waste

weighing you down just like

their absence makes me hollow.

maybe one day you'll visit and

i'll tuck my head into the curve of my spine and

pretend things into existence, pretend there is a

fascinating new dot on the ceiling tiles

that might well be a galaxy if i stare hard enough

i'm nearsighted and farheaded and

and now i'm on the lows again.

staying away works so well

until it doesn't.