Day 3.

Marching Band: The Musical (scene 1)

(Scene opens in a high school band room, on the first day of school. New kid Cal has just walked in, to chaos and confusion as he tries to find someone who will fix his messed up schedule. Kevin, the world's nosiest (and gayest) euphonium, is handing out music and has just spotted Cal. Band director MS. STEPHENS is holding up a hand and looking at her watch.)

KEVIN: WHERE ARE MY MELLOS? Scuse me, what instrument are you on?

CAL: No, I'm not, I mean--

KEVIN: Wait, were you at band camp?

CAL: No, I'm not in this class, I'm new here and my schedule is wrong, I think they made a mistake in the office--

KEVIN: Oh shit how long has Stephens been counting? SHHHHHH (quieter) We'll figure you out, don't worry.

(Everyone quiets down)

MS. STEPHENS: ....28, 29, 30.... Disgraceful. And on the first day.

Sit down all of you wallflowers in the back, I'm passing around a sheet and it'll miss you if you're hiding in the corner like Sweater Boy.

CAL: Who's Sweater Boy?

KEVIN: Wore an argyle sweatervest first day of band camp, sat in the corner and cried the next two weeks. Shh!

MS. STEPHENS: Just your name and your instrument, please. No, Sam, just one instrument. No you cannot switch between movements that is preposterous! Now, while that's going around, introduce yourselves. Hal-- where are you-- Hal, start us off.

HAL: Hi, I'm Hal, and I'm the drum major, but I play--

KEVIN: --the hearts of every girl and half the boys here. Don't fall for him.

CAL: Why? I mean, wha--

KEVIN: Because you spend whatever moment you're not looking at turf looking at your drum major. And he's unattainable. Ugh he grew out his bangs since band camp. That hair flip? Makes lesser women swoon.

KEVIN: And I know we'll have a great season!

DEBORAH: (almost inaudible) Hello, my name is Deborah...

KEVIN: That's her outside voice, but wait till the dancing starts at band parties.... we call her Dirty Deb....

DEBORAH: And I play the clarinet and sometimes the flute but not very often.

SARA: Heyyy guys, I'm Sarah (she licks the corner of her mouth)

KEVIN: SLUTSTRAVAGANZA! Love her.

JOHN: (leans over to talk to CAL) Hey, wanna join our betting pool? Kevin's odds are 3:1 because he likes to convince himself he's metro, starting bet is five...

VARIOUS MALES IN THE ROOM: She'll take you to funky town!

Hey baby!

LOW RIDAAAA

SARA: Can't wait to get to know y'all a little better!

JOHN: Yo, John, trombone

KEVIN: Brasshole.

CAL: What?

KEVIN: you'll see.

CAL: I'm Cal, I don't know what's going on but I'm here.

KEVIN: Yes he does. I'm Kevin, I play Euphonium, I'm awesome at it.

BEN: Hey, I'm Ben and this is my french horn, which I won't see for six months, because for some reason they invented the mellophone. God I hate marching band.

KEVIN: He's joking, I'm pretty sure he stayed back a year because there's no music program at the community college.

BEN: Goddammit Kevin that is not true, stop slandering all of us to the new kid.

CAL: Hi, I'm Cal.

BEN: Yeah, that new kid.

KEVIN: Ben likes to blaspheme.

BEN: Jesus.

MS. STEPHENS: You windbags, there's only thirty minutes left of class and we need to do uniform findings! I mean fittings. Go look in the closet. Hal? Who did we decide was the director assistant?

HAL: No one, you spit on the last application, said their essay lacked pizazz.

MS. STEPHENS: Oh yes....

CAL: Does she always insult everyone this much?

KEVIN: Deep seated insecurities.

CAL: (realizes MS. STEPHENS is behind them)

MS. STEPHENS: KEVIN! My assistant! Write down everyone's weight and height, will you? I think Riley organized the uniforms last year after he got ten hours of community service for blowing up the pool.....

KEVIN: Crap. Come with me, this will take AGES.....

CAL: O...kay?

KEVIN: So the first football game is this friday, have you decided on an instrument yet?

CAL: I haven't decided if I'm taking this CLASS yet!

KEVIN: You are. I'm invested in you now, you've been introduced, it would get messy if you backed out.

Trombone. You'll be a trombone, John is loud enough to cover for four of them not playing. LINE UP! LINES. SOME PEOPLE CAN MAKE THEM. NOT US, BUT, YOU KNOW...

Okay, Jennifer, height and weight.

JENNIFER: It fluctuates!

KEVIN: Height?

JENNIFER: 5'6''.

KEVIN: Try #45 and get back to me.

CAL: Why do you have to do this?

KEVIN: You'll see, we're supposed to have band leadership, but eventually everyone is willing to pick up some job....

You get really.... into it. Like your band director's worries become your worries for a season. Example, your equipment, uniform, all this. That attractive overall garment is a bibber, over that's your jacket, you got gloves, you got Dinkles, which you will wear until you cannot feel, the pretty feathered cherry on this asscake is called a shako, (he pauses handing out uniform bags) Basically: What you see? What you get. Got it? So look....shiny. And keep track of your stuff, everything looks the same...

(Students are looking through rack of uniforms)

Are these my bibbers?

Check the size!

What's my number?

How do I remember what your number is??

Where's my dinkles, did they fall out of the bag?

I have one glove, THEY COME IN TWOS, YOU GUYS, WHAT IS THIS

...Where's my gloves? These are filthy!

(students, rounds of chanting)

Bibber bibber bibber bibber bibber bibber bibber bibber

dinkle dinkle dinkle dinkle dinkle dinkle dinkle dinkle

sh sh sh sh shako

CAL: (aside) It was like everything was dissolving into this strange world of beasts and chaos and shouting and tribal dancing.... (CAL is shoved into a side room)

BEN: Welcome to the jungle!

(hands CAL a crumpled uniform bag)

CAL: Is that a hairball?

HAL: we have a don't ask, don't tell policy in the man closet *wink*

(Girls knock/bang at the door)

WE NEED TO GET OUR UNIFORMS FROM IN THERE!

RANDOM MALE STUDENTS: WHO'S BEEN SHITTING IN THE CORNER OF THE MAN CLOSET? IT SMELLS RANCID, THIS SHIT IS WRONG.

GET OUT, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY

THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

CAL: (aside) You know those experiments in Japan, with the genetic modification? It's like I'm a watermelon, and everyone else here is the mutated square watermelons. And we're all in a box together, and they're going to beat me up for being round. ......But I guess it was the same at my last high school.